The Solutions to Life's 10 Biggest Problems!

Every day clients tell me about their problems, often in great detail, and I've noticed patterns that show up over and over. For many people, life’s problems are viewed as "not enough money" or "not enough time". For couples, the problems are often around "communication" or "parenting" or sex. They think if they only had more money or more time or better sex or a better job, things would be wonderful.
 
But it doesn’t work that way, because these things are not the BIG PROBLEM. From my experience, I suggest life's really big problems are:
 
1. Tunnel Vision. The tendency to focus only on the immediate crisis or sore spot. Under stress, things look worse or more complex than they really are. The solution: Perspective. Ask if it will matter in 6 months. Ask what else is going on? How did I create this situation and, in an ideal world, what would I like to do about it?
 
2. Fear. The anxiety or terror that things will go badly, that we will fail or be embarrassed. The solution: Humor and Curiosity. Modern life has very few saber-tooth tigers. The situation is rarely life or death. Ask, What's the worst that can happen? What's the best? What can I learn? What would I do if I had no fear?
 
3. Confusion. The sense of being lost or unclear about our direction. The sense that we don't know our own priorities anymore. The solution: Responsible Choices. Choose your values and priorities and set your own path. Your life is yours. Check your moral compass, pick a direction and do something extraordinary!
 
4. Guilt. The belief that we have hurt or failed or sinned and deserve punishment. Guilt is either accurate, because sometimes we do behave badly, or it is false and simply an illusion. The solution: If we have transgressed, we must make restitution, ask forgiveness, learn from our error and move on. If it is false guilt, set it down as an unnecessary and irrational burden.
 
5. Shame. The belief that we are worth-less than others, that we have a terrible, incurable flaw. It is not that we have done something wrong (guilt), but that we are bad or wrong. The solution: Clear, rational thinking. Everyone has behaved badly, but no one was created badly! Any flaws only serve to make you stronger, more heroic or more compassionate toward others.
 
6. Loneliness. The belief that no one loves us, that no one cares and we must desperately cling to anyone who finds us attractive or acceptable. This creates dependency, not intimacy. The solution: Accurate Self-Assessment. Not everyone will love you, but many people will if they meet you, get to know you, and spend time working/playing along side you.
 
7. Resentment. Holding anger and refusing to move beyond real or imagined mistreatment in the past. Some people spend their whole lives as "victims", nurturing a terrible event in their past. The solution: Let go! Life is not fair and people do not always behave well or kindly. Use your trauma to make you wise, kind, gentle, and strong. Holding anger will not work.
 
8. Self-Doubt. The repeated, endless questioning of your own abilities, opinions or actions. The inability to take a stand, to act boldly, or to follow-through. The solution: Action! Think clearly, then take action and follow-through. Start small, but do it! You are the world's expert on your life! Use your wisdom to live well.
 
9. Stubbornness. The refusal or inability to re-assess a situation, change your mind, or admit you were wrong. The solution: Wisdom and Humility. Only a fool stays on a course that is headed for disaster! Search for new and better information, remain flexible, open and creative. When the situation changes, adjust accordingly and set a new course.

 
10. Addiction. Humans become addicted to drugs, but we also become addicted to our jobs, our opinions or our lifestyle. We can be addicted to people and need them rather than love them. The solution: Take a vacation! Periodically, walk in someone else's shoes. Break your habits, re-arrange your schedule, delegate those things that only you can do "right". Use habits and traditions to set you free, don't let habits enslave you!


"Written by Dr. Philip E. Humbert, writer, speaker and success coach. Dr. Humbert has over 300 free articles, tools and resources for your success, including a great newsletter! It's all on his website at:  http://www.philiphumbert.com "

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Is the Seven Year Itch a Myth?

By Johanna Lyman

Is seven years (give or take) the natural lifespan of a monogamous relationship? If we didn't have social constraints, would most relationships end gracefully at about seven years?

It seems reasonable. Studies have found that animals whose children need more time and attention to rear are more likely to be monogamous. In human children, by the age of six or seven they're in school full time, so the intense pressure of caring for them has eased.

As I was driving home tonight I was thinking about multiples of seven as they relate to children. At seven, children are in school full time. At fourteen, they can take care of themselves if their parents want to go out for the night. I know some kids are capable of this a little earlier than fourteen, but not by much. The Department of Social Services would be knocking at your door if your eleven year old was home alone too much. And then the magical year, twenty-one. They are officially adults, and if they've gone to college on the four year plan, this is the year they graduate. They can vote, they can drive, and they can apply for their own credit...free at last!!

I wish I could find a sociologist who's either done a study about this or would be interested in conducting such a study. Many of my clients are at one of these milestones, with most of them around twenty or twenty-one years in their relationships. Maybe it's a coincidence and it's more their own age (early 40's), but either way I think it's a fascinating study of social culture.

The closest I've come to finding such a study is unfortunately in German, but I have a synopsis. Sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst created a study that investigated how the context in which we meet people influences our social network. In other words, if you met your husband at a bar, would he be as attractive as if your sister introduced you? Even though this study was about the context of our social networks, I think the results can be extrapolated with interesting results.

Mollenhorst conducted a survey of 1007 people ages 18 to 65 years. Seven years later the respondents were contacted once again and 604 people were interviewed again. They answered a number of questions relating to the context of how they knew the people in their network.

The results: personal network sizes remained stable, but many members of the network were new. Only 30 percent of the original friends and discussion partners had the same position in a subject's network seven years later, and only 48 percent were still part of the social network.

Left to our own devices, according to this study, we would naturally turn over our social network by 71% in 14 years. This confirms my suspicion that long term monogamy is a social constraint rather than the natural order or human beings. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but if you're hanging on to something because you think you're supposed to be in it "'til death do you part", think again.

On the other hand, one of the really cool things about being human is that we get to stretch our boundaries. If we really want to maintain monogamy, we can. Whether we choose to stay or go, we have ample opportunities to learn the lessons we've chosen to learn. Leaving without the lesson is like having coffee without the caffeine. If you like the taste, it's great, but if you need the jolt, you'd better stick around for it.

About the Author:
Johanna Lyman

Articles Source: Is the Seven Year Itch a Myth?

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The Top 10 Ways to Improve Your Diet, Your Health & Your Life!

Because I believe diet and exercise are so important, I'm often frustrated with the recommendations I receive. Nutrition and natural health ideas are often so negative (don't eat this, watch out for that) or so rigorous (be sure to eat some raw, natural, organically grown vegetable I've never heard of) or so complicated, I end up ignoring them. And yet, I know diet is critical to my health and well-being, so I made up my own rules. My objective was simplicity, so all of you with greater will-power and more discipline, cut me some slack, OK? For the rest of us, I hope you find them useful.

1.  Eat less.  I used to eat until I was full, and then snack as a hobby. And, sometimes I still do. But, more and more, I decide when I've eaten enough, leave room for a treat later, and simply choose to eat a little less. I think it helps.

2.  Drink more water.  I used to try to drink 8 glasses a day, but I usually ended up either losing count…or just going to the bathroom a lot. Now, on my way to the table I stop by the sink and grab a glass of water. I figure that's more water than most people drink, it probably helps me eat less (see Rule #1), and sometimes it reminds me to drink even more. Close enough.

3.  Eat more fruit.  Benjamin Franklin said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." I just know apples, a banana, some grapes or something "exotic" like a mango or a kiwi tastes good, and it's the fastest, most portable and convenient food I've found. A handful of those little baby carrots beats a sandwich by a good 90 seconds!

4.  Eat your vegetables.  Yeah, still listening to my mother. But on the positive side, they're so easy! No sauces, no mixing or blending or nothing! Raw, steamed or microwaved, they're great for adding color to a meal (greens, yellows, and beans in all sorts of colors). I know fresh and organically grown is best, and sometimes I buy them that way….

5.  Eat more rice and baked potatoes.  I score points with my doctor, my "significant other" and again, it's about the easiest cooking I've figured out.

6.  Stretch when you feel like it.  I used to follow a routine that recommended stretching and yoga for about 30 minutes every morning. Wonderful stuff! Very healthy. And someday I'm going to give it another try! For now, every morning, and several times during the day, I stand up and try to reach the ceiling. I bend, twist, shake my shoulders, breath deep, whatever seems to feel good at the moment. Then I get back to work.

7.  Avoid exercise and elevators.  OK, I believe jogging and sweating and lifting weights are good for me. And I do some of it. But I also find it useful to walk around the block to get the mail (the box is across the street) or take the stairs instead of the elevator. I walk the dog, push the lawnmower and play tennis and golf with my friends. That way I figure I'm exercising and leaving the gyms open for the rest of you.

8.  Spend time with friends.  Talking, sharing dreams, giving and receiving support, solving life's great mysteries and debating politics or religion with a friend does wonders for the soul. And, hugs are good. And if you have a life-partner, I find talking regularly seems to avoid a number of other problems, as well!

9.  Laugh every day.  Tell a joke, wrestle with your dog or play with the kids next door, but have some fun! Life's short.

10.  Plan for dessert!  At the end of the day, I really like something special to top it all off. So, I plan for a bite of chocolate or a cup of low-fat pudding or yogurt or a handful of fresh grapes. It sure seems to beat restlessly searching the cupboards and refrigerator for "something" and ending up with a big bowl of ice cream!

Finally, a few words of experience. It's OK to "slip" once in a while. At least it better be OK...I seem to do it periodically. Just get up again tomorrow, make the rules simpler, more fun or more appropriate for your situation and get right back on! I don't think the objective is perfection -- there's no point in having a heart attack getting all stressed out about the rules! Just go have some fun!

 "Written by Dr. Philip E. Humbert, writer, speaker and success coach. Dr. Humbert has over 300 free articles, tools and resources for your success, including a great newsletter! It's all on his website at:  http://www.philiphumbert.com "

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The Top 10 Life Lessons from Golf

Golf is an amazing mirror of life. Yes, other sports provide life lessons as well, but golf happens to be my favorite sport and the one I understand the best. It is an addiction, a mystical experience, a test of character, an escape, a source of rare joy and excruciating pain. No psychological test will tell you as much about a person's character as a round of golf. With the arrival of spring, here are some of my observations about golf and the game of life: 

1. Expectations & Flexibility.  Golf, like life, is not mastered in a season, and it is particularly frustrating if we approach it with stiff and inflexible expectations. Great golf begins with stretching, bending, loosening up, and matching my desired outcomes with the realities of a body grown lazy over the winter. A sense of humor, and a sprinkling of humility go a long way!
   
   
2. Clarity of Purpose.  Many golfers never stop to think about why they play the game. To win? To have fun? For social reasons, or for the challenge? For the exercise? Just as striving to become rich and famous often creates frustration and disappointment, few will ever play professionally, and striving for perfection is a setup for "failure". Know why you play the game and where you find your satisfaction and joy in it.
   
   
3. Equipment.  Most golfers play with clubs that don’t fit them, or that no longer suit their games. Graphite shafts and new club designs have revolutionized golf. Active golfers should have their clubs checked for loft, lie, and length, and have them re-gripped every season. Almost any job is easier with the right tools.
   
   
4. Solid Foundations. Golfers go to extremes. Some take lesson after lesson, trying to fix the tiniest flaw in their quest for the perfect swing. Others, ignore the classic foundations of grip, stance and swing in their eagerness to "do it my way." Success is usually found in a healthy balance of learning from the wisdom and experience of others, while celebrating your unique style and approach to the game.
   
   
5. Profitable Practice.  On the day of a big tournament, I often go to the practice green and watch skilled, dedicated golfers practice missing putts. With a small crowd milling about, they quickly hit putt after putt, destroying their rhythm, timing and confidence. Then, in frustration, they wonder what ever happened to their carefully honed putting stroke! In golf, and in life, practice smart. Practice for success!
   
   
6. Smart Preparation.  Tour players always play practice rounds. Ben Hogan used to walk the course at twilight before a tournament to learn all it’s hidden tricks and traps. Top players rehearse every shot in their imagination before going to the course. They prepare in advance so they are ready when the moment of truth arrives. It pays off.
   
   
7. Show up.  The biggest challenge for many Nike Tour and other young players is to play their best golf without a nickel in their pocket, often lonely and far from home. They have reasons to be distracted. What are your excuses? Ram Das said, "Be here now." In golf, and in life, it’s hard to win if you don’t show up, or only show up for every-other swing!
   
   
8. Warm up.  Every great athlete, the ones in the best physical and mental shape, respect their bodies enough to loosen up, stretch and rehearse before competition. Unfortunately, most amateurs don’t go to all that trouble. We jump out of the car, grab the clubs, and head for the first tee. Before any important event, arrive early, walk around, relax, and warm up to the task at hand.
   
   
9. Focus on Results. Every golf stroke creates a result. Sometimes the ball goes in the hole; sometimes it goes out of bounds. Golfers tend to focus (1) on the result they would have preferred, which is merely wishful thinking, or (2) on beating themselves up for being so "stupid", which is painful. Learn from every swing. Observe the results you actually get. Life never lies!
   
   
10. Review and Adjust.  If you aren’t getting the results you want, find the reason. You can trust the ball; it goes where you hit it. If you want a different outcome, change your setup, routine, or other actions until you get the result you prefer. Someone said, "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is a mark of insanity." Successful people learn quickly; others learn eventually.

Have a marvelous day and a wonderFULL week, and I'll see you on the links!

 "Written by Dr. Philip E. Humbert, writer, speaker and success coach. Dr. Humbert has over 300 free articles, tools and resources for your success, including a great newsletter! It's all on his website at:  http://www.philiphumbert.com "

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Top 10 Tools for a Strong Personal Foundation

Coaching is about living great lives. It’s about living lives based on our values, our priorities and our choices.  And, as in building a great building, it takes a very strong foundation. In fact, the more spectacular the visible parts of the building are going to be, the more time and precision has to go into preparing the supporting structures and systems underneath. But one of the most difficult things in life is spending the necessary time on the foundations.
Most of us are eager to build, to start living the life of our dreams, and the temptation is always to neglect the details of a strong personal foundation. Here are my Top 10 Tools for creating the foundation that will support whatever else you want in your life:

1. Get plenty of sleep.  I know, that wasn’t on the list when I was younger either, but as Vince Lombardi noted, "Fatigue makes cowards of us all." Tired people are cranky, they miss opportunities and make careless decisions. And, getting plenty of sleep suggests a fairly regular pattern to your day, some structure and orderliness, and that’s a good thing!
   
   
2. Eat well.  Yeah, I know, another boring one. But the body needs good stuff to keep it sharp and ready to serve you. Some people go a long way on this, carefully nurturing their bodies with organic fruits and vegetables. I don’t have that discipline, but replacing potato chips with carrot sticks, sure does seem to help. Cut down on fat, drink more water and fruit juice, and see what happens!
   
   
3. Exercise.  Even a walk around the block does wonders to clear the head! At least 30 minutes, 3 or 4 times a week, and more if you enjoy it. Work up a sweat, huff and puff a bit. They say you’ll live longer. I know it gets me out of the office, away from the phone and computer for a few minutes, and my dog loves the chance to run! Enjoy it.
   
   
4. Read a lot.  Read magazines and history, read biographies and cheap novels, but read. Follow politics and the economy, keep up with current films and take a moment to follow sports and those funny short stories in Reader’s Digest. It gives you perspective, broadens your point of view, and, like exercise, it gets you away from the phone and computer for a few minutes. It may even make you wiser!
   
   
5. Meditate.  Keep a journal, or pray. Develop your own style and preferences for making peace with your world, and do it every day. Find the time and place that works best for you, sit quietly, settle into your routine, and take time to notice. Stuff will come up. You’ll have ideas, you’ll fall asleep, you’ll remember what’s really important. Whatever happens, be at peace with it.
   
   
6. Eliminate tolerations.  Keep your nest clean! There’s no excuse to be tripping over the same clutter every day. It slows you down, and it wears you out. Some people are "neater" than others, and this isn’t about having a clean desk, unless that’s important to you. This is about eliminating those annoying frustrations that come up every week. Get a housekeeper, a bookkeeper, a gardener, and at least have your car washed! If it annoys you, deal with it.
   
   
7. Keep relationships clean.   It’s not possible to be best friends with everyone, and some relationships do end, but that’s not as expensive as having a strained relationship that drains you every day. If you have "friendships" that need to end, take care of it. If you have an intimate partner with whom you need to spend more time, schedule it tonight. Stay on good terms with those you can, and end those relationships that are never going to support you. Just do it.
   
   
8. Do work you love.  Doing a job you dislike is exhausting. I often talk with folks who are eager to change careers "as soon as…." They usually finish the sentence with something that will happen in a few years. Why wait? Life is too short! I suspect the time lost is a greater risk than making the change right now! Do what you love!
   
   
9. Laugh a lot!  Humor and warm friendships, love and laughter go further to maintain "balance" than all the programs I’ve ever tried. Life is either a wonderful, strange and funny dance…or it’s too scary to think about. Either way, laugh all the way through!
   
   
10. Develop your "Daily 10".   Have a regular pattern of 10 wonderful things you do every day for your own vibrant personal foundation. Find your own little rituals that just make you feel good! Every day, do 10 simple things that remind you how special, powerful, alive and wonderful you are! Delight in them!

Here's to you, and to building a strong, deep and lasting foundation that will support you for many years to come!
  


"Written by Dr. Philip E. Humbert, writer, speaker and success coach. Dr. Humbert has over 300 free articles, tools and resources for your success, including a great newsletter! It's all on his website at:  http://www.philiphumbert.com "

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The Top 10 Steps to Extraordinary Personal Wealth

I recently came across startling figures about the average American’s finances.  Only 4% of us have significant savings when we hit age 65, and a majority of Americans have less than $1000 in savings. Perhaps even more troubling, nearly one-fifth of us have a negative net worth, meaning that we owe more in debt than the total value of our combined assets.  In a land of wealth and opportunity, and in an age of unlimited freedom, attaining wealth is primarily a matter of choice and determination.  The following are my suggestions for rapidly increasing your personal income and wealth.

1. Develop a healthy awareness of money.  Most of us either ignore our cash flow and don’t have a budget, or we think of money as a "problem".  Instead, begin thinking of it as energy, as a resource and as a tool to be managed and used wisely.
   
   
2. Develop a healthy desire for money.  Money is neither evil nor the source of happiness.  It is a tool that can be used well or badly, but most importantly it can be used to achieve many of life’s dreams and priorities.  Having more of it increases your choices, and your responsibility.
   
   
3. Develop a healthy personal foundation.  It is difficult to attract or keep money if your life is in chaos.  To achieve significant wealth, pay attention to your attitude, your relationships, your values and your integrity.  Money tends to flow to those who are prepared to handle it well.
   
   
4. Resolve ALL addictions.  Substance abuse will obviously undermine any real ability to attract and manage large amounts of money, but other addictions are equally dangerous.  Addictions to shopping, drama and excitement, to power or sex or a need to have the newest gadget will all destroy freedom of choice, and your ability to handle money responsibly.
   
   
5. Spend less than you make.  An obvious point that most of us ignore.  Have and use a budget, track your cash flow, decide what you need compared to what you want.  Unless you use credit cards as a tool to monitor your spending, avoid using them at all.  If you’re living on credit, juggling one card against another, get professional help!
   
   
6. Save a significant amount.  Most experts recommend paying yourself first and saving anywhere from 5% to 20% of your income.   The amount or percentage that you save is probably not as important as the principle.  If at first you only save 1%, make that deposit every single week, do it without fail, and congratulate yourself!  Even 1% is a great beginning!
   
   
7. Cut your spending by 25%.  That’s a huge amount!  For most of us, it’s also entirely possible.  Take your lunch, buy less junk, rent a movie instead of going to the theater, make a picnic instead of dinner at a restaurant, re-cycle and repair rather than throwing things away and buying new.   Live cheaper, simpler and closer to the earth.
   
   
8. Learn the principles of investing.  Most community colleges have courses on investing in stocks, real estate, commercial property and even collectibles.  Pick your preference, study hard, buy smart, and let your money work for you rather than you always working for money.  But, never try to get rich quick!  We’re talking about investing, not speculating.
   
   
9. Develop long-term passive income.  Whether this is interest from bonds, profits from a business, or residuals from your last TV commercial, develop assets that will generate positive cash flow for years to come, whether you are working or not.  Rental property has been a favorite, but so are stocks and mutual funds.
   
   
10. Develop wealth consciousness!  This is a conscious, specific desire to be aware of money, to have money, and to use money to reflect your values and your priorities.  Some of us virtually choose poverty because of our refusal to take responsibility for how we handle money.  Others, live as misers and never use money to expand their horizons and develop their lives.  You can decide to have a healthy, exciting and profitable relationship with money.  Choose wisely.  Start today!

 "Written by Dr. Philip E. Humbert, writer, speaker and success coach. Dr. Humbert has over 300 free articles, tools and resources for your success, including a great newsletter! It's all on his website at:  http://www.philiphumbert.com "

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